space cadet

heartsick musing.

i am starting to think i have been waiting for an answer that isn’t going to come…. i think in my heart i already know, and i have for a while. but it hurts too much. so i’ve hung on in hopes that things will get better… that an answer will come and i will see how to make this relationship work. maybe the answer is that it just won’t be what i want it to be. i yearn for the kind of love that is simultaneously tender and passionate, unwaveringly affectionate… the type of love i want to show you. i should love you for exactly what you are, instead of wishing for what you are not. And I love everything about you…. you fucking dazzle me, its pathetic. Really, I wish that you saw me like I see you, and made it clear to me. I can not reconcile whether the issue is in my expectations, in my actions and perceptions, or whether you simply can not love me the way i yearn to be loved. It seems easier to blame it on myself, because then there is a chance that things can change as I continue to grow and learn along my journey. I can change myself, but I can’t change you. And I can not believe how invested I have become… it feels like so much of my hope and joy is tied in with my love for this person, that I can not conceive of leaving him even though it pains me to stay, because when it works my heart soars and my insides melt. I have never felt so vulnerable and naked as I do at night with your hand on my cheek, and while it terrifies me and brings tears to my eyes, it also ignites my spirit in a way that I can not find the words for. I just wish I could be as remarkable to him, as he is to me. I can’t even organize my thoughts into words. I feel like such a disaster and hope for us is the only thing holding me together.

sorry… i just have nowhere else to say this, but i needed to put it somewhere other than my head.